More Revision

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Compare the original poem to its revised version (see below). The revision cuts out unnecessary words and introduces a few new words. The lines are more rhythmically even and the title is more evocative. I also removed nearly all capital letters and punctuation to give the poem a more fluid look.

BEFORE

Bed

The covers are blue and
the white of the sheets are like
white-capped waves that
drag me under. Hold me in.
Won’t let me go and
drown me in sweet sleep.
To walk ashore would be
to go to school and
face another day.
Instead I’ll dive beneath
the waves and sleep.

AFTER

Poseidon

the covers
blue and white-capped waves
drag me under hold me fast
drown me in sweet sleep
to go ashore would be to face
another land-locked Monday.

DON’T FORGET THE POEM’S RIGHT MARGIN!
The words that fall at the end of each line can offer the reader a whole visual
experience in themselves. Notice the end words of the poem’s original
version are weak: and, like, that, in, be. The revised poem features more
interesting and emotive words along the right margin: covers, waves, fast,
sleep, face.

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